It's suffocating

I'm starting to hate my own family. My dad's side with all those scandalous issues. My mom's side with all those political social protocols. Thinking back, wow! How fake I was. I literally has to bragged about me being the weirdos in the family to the stranger because literally no one in the family care about what I do. It doesn't matter if I murder someone or kill myself. Nobody actually care. I just realized why did I liked Abg Ash so much. Because he is, like, the most famous in the family. The public figure. The centre of attention. He was being asked at every gatherings. This reminds me of the fight I used to have with Kak Aida. Honestly, I don't really care at that time about the fight. I simply don't want to be at the gathering. I don't want to be the awkward one being surrounded by aunties who doesn't even care if I was there. Sorry, Kak Aida. For making you the black sheep. I was probably exhausted then. Exhausted from pretending that I'm okay not being noticed when the jealousy eat me up inside. I guess, I already hate them then. I just recently notice that hatred when those eyes staring at me and my half green hair. I remember hesitating to join the trip to the wedding. Abg Ash's wedding. I just not being honest about it and I thought I still like him when I don't actually care. And when I start talking about the news on how Ukraine-Russia began their war and how I found it out, I swear I felt like a dumbass trying to show that he know something when he don't. I just want to hide away in the car but I sit there like a dumbass, pretending that nothing happened. THAT'S how much I want the attention from my own family. But I never get it. So I guess that's the last family gathering I'll ever attend because I don't have any plan to attend anymore family gathering in future.

Penat

Now I remember why I give up talking to my family. Aku faham dah apa Sheldon Cooper rasa bila brcakap dgn org sekeliling dia. You give a good idea and it got rejected. But then they come back to you complaining. Bercakap pulak dgn egoist. Ntah la. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of this family. Whatever I do or say is so invaluable. I don't know why. It feels like primary school, secondary school, high school, diploma and degree all over again. People always put me on guilt trip every single time I say something. The reason to die always add up

1. Male harassing me so much I feel like burying myself somewhere nobody can find me because even after dead, I concerned that my dead body would be raped by those lustful devil

2. People dismissed my opinion so much that I thought it'd be better for them if I'm not here. Well, alive or dead seems like doesn't matter much. It doesn't make much difference. But, AT LEAST, if I'm dead, my parents would 1 less thing for them to worry about. I'd spend their money less too. They don't have to worry what people might do to me or if I'll be in danger. Like, I'm dead. What kind of other danger would come to a dead body? Even if there's natural disasters, I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm not gonna feel anything. 

3. I don't think any of my siblings ever proud of me. I literally had to go out of my way to joke around but honestly, it does feels like I'm trying to hard it start to annoy people. It's really hard to get close to them. So, as I said. Alive or dead does not really matter much

4. I can see that literally no one like me, like genuinely like me. With Anis, I'm just a tool to make her life easier. With Nuha, Aina and Pika, okay, well. We're friends. But somehow it feels like I'm missing something for me to be related to them. Like, they always have common things to talk among them while me sitting there clueless. With Diana, I envied her energy too much it became toxic. With Adeeb, I don't know. I do like him but he worried too much that make me hesitate to tell him things because then he'll ask me to be more and more careful and the robot-mind like me will listen and start suffocating myself. 

I can't tell things to people around me. I tried. But then, I'll be concern that my problem doesn't worth their time or I'd be blamed or I'll be more upset if they think that whatever I do is stupid and I shouldn't do it. I'm so tired of living with this brain. It never stop working and I never stop thinking. It's exhausting. and telling people how exhausted I am from thinking is like me trying to gain their attention when it's my option to think and telling myself to stop thinking never worked. Then, here I am again, trapping myself in the room and isolating myself from people because I don't want to be too much.

Aku warnakan rambut

Ibu terkejut bila aku kata aku dah warnakan rambut. Hijau. But not the whole hair. Ibu cakap aku terpengaruh kawan2. Am I such an embarrassment for ibu to admit that I do make that choice tanpa pengaruh sesiapa? Ibu malu ke nk admit depan org yg Aku ni tak sealim yg dia nak bila dia hantar aku pergi sekolah agama dulu. Seriously, anak mcm apa yg dia harap dr aku sebenarnya? Anak yg penurut tapi tak punya hidup atau anak yg bahagia dengan siapapun diri dia? Nah, I'll go with an embarrassment. None of my parents boleh terima aku jadi siapa aku sekarang. Not my dad, not my mom. Hey, but at least, ayah takde la directly make me feel that awkward. Although I do feel down bila ayah kata Aku cantik berbaju kurung. Gosh, how I miss being who I was without worrying people to expect so much from me.

It's hard to tell your mind to forget when your heart can't

Dia datang lagi dalam mimpi. Aku tak tau aku yg rindukan dia atau sekadar mainan tidur. Wake up, Mira. He forgot everything about you long time ago. He promised to never let your hand go but he did it long time ago. Dia dah lama lepaskan tangan dia. Dia dah lama langgar janji dia. Why can't you just move on? Find someone else. Learn to love someone else. I thought already hate him. I thought I would be able to laugh at whatever ridiculous memories we had like it was a jokes. Why does it still suffocating whenever I remember him? Why does it still hurt? Why am I still running away from him? Mira, entah2 dia pun dah tak ingatkan kau. Entah-entah dia pun dah jumpa cinta baru. Entah-entah cinta yang dia suarakan dulu tak pernah wujud pun. Apa yang kau harap sebenarnya? Yg kisah kau akan jd mcm drama Taiwan yg ko tengok hari2? Even after 10 tahun pun, jodoh korg Masih ada? Wake up! Ada lagi org lain yg menunggu kau buka hati kau utk dia. Faiz, Ad, John? Tinggal pilih je. Kenapa kau masih pilih nak tunggu dia?

Hati, kenapa mimpi dia walaupun sekadar mainan tidur masih terlalu Indah utk aku? Sudahlah mengharap. Lepaskan dia. Dia takkan balik lagi dah. Dia dah bahagia dengan org lain. Give it up.

New Project

Dalam hidup ni, kau akan jumpa 2 jenis org yg Dalam hidup dia ada masalah; yg guna masalah dia utk Cari simpati and yg Cari solution pada masalah dia. Aku dh jumpa dua2 jenis ni

As a true Leo ♌, org2 berzodiak aku ni mmg jenis tak layan kalau nk diajak berdrama. Aku jenis yg tengok drama org pastu gelakkan bodohnya dia berdrama padahal dia yg pilih cerita dia cmtu. When you make your choice, the last thing you want is to regret it. Kenapa pilih kalau tau akan menyesal? Menyesal tu satu hal, kau buat drama Cinderella pulak depan aku. Sorry, saya tak layan emo2 ni.

Life aku ni ibarat kat tengah2, half negative half positive. Kenapa aku nak kena beratkan dacing negative aku dgn involve diri Aku dgn org2 yg negative? Yg positive ada Kan?

Bila kau bergaul dgn org2 yg positive, you'll see that you're moving forward. Kau tak pilih utk stuck at the same place forever. Benda tu yg Aku nak. And bila org bgtau Aku yg dia nak sama2 move forward, Aku org paling seronok sbb journey Aku bukan ada Aku sorg. Tak kisah la ko byk kekurangan ke apa. I want that kind of spirit.

And harini, Widhi ,kawan Aku kt Bali tu bgtau Aku yg dia dh had enough kena remehkan. Dia nk do something. Ktorg dh lama plan nk ada restoran or cafe. Bila dia sungguh2 kata nk wujudkan impian Tu, Aku apa lagi. Semangat la weh. Semoga benda ni, usaha2 ni betul2 jadi. Aku nak naikkan ramai lagi perempuan. Sampai bila nk tengok sesama perempuan hidup in miserable? Unless yg sejenis mmg x nak ubah Tu, lantak kau la Sana. Jgn kacau hidup Aku.

Peluang

 Orang selalu anggap that once we said it's okay, it will be forever okay. Without you realizing it, you have taken for granted the chances that has been given to you. Ironically, it's okay for you to do it to others but it's NOT OKAY when people do the same thing to you. Humanity! Pffts..

There are different type of person when it comes to giving chances. As for me, aku jenis yang keep bagi peluang kat orang. My chances have no end until I come to the point yg nothing can be fixed, aku dah tawar hati and aku tak harap apa-apa lagi. When that time come, I leave. No explanation, no hassle, no drama. And I hope bila aku dah palau orang tu, they would understand that I want nothing to do with them anymore. 

And then datang pulak jenis-jenis manusia ni yang tak faham-faham. Kesedapan ye sis amek kesempatan kat org? Seronok orang kesian kat ko, buat segalanya utk ko but you didn't evem lift a finger. lepastu ko menangis teresak-esak bak Cinderella sambil menyapu, ko ingat aku apa?  Kalau hidup ko menyedihkan sgt, call Bersamamu. Bukan aku. Aku buat baik, bukan buat charity. 1 jam 13 minit call, yang 1 jam tu aku nak dengar ko acah blame diri sendiri, apa motif ko? nak aku kesian la? baik balik dengan ko? "Awak nak putuskan persahabatan kita ke?" Ko pernah ke anggap aku sahabat? NO! Ko anggap aku orang yang boleh mudahkan hidup ko. Itu! Itu apa yang ko buat kat aku. Sahabat sama-sama tarik sahabat dia, bagi sama-sama berjaya. Engkau? Kau drag aku dslam masalah kau yg xde kena mengena pun dgn hidup aku. Yg aku dengan hati suci bersih, kesiankan kau. Tolong kau sampai dh mcm balaci ko buat. Yang patut menangis tu aku! Kau nak menangis buat apa? Ooops. Mesti la sedih. Sapa lagi nk settlekan masalah kau lepas ni kan?

Please la eh. Jadi manusia, hidup zaman bertamadun kan? Be like it. Kalau semua benda kau nak harapkan ehsan kesian orang, orang yang tolong kau sape nak kesian? Kesian boleh. Tapi bukan tiket utk ko manfaatkan orang tu. Hati dia Tuhan kurniakan baik bukan utk manfaat kau. 

Termenung

 Whatever happening right now buat aku berfikir. Am I being too lenient towards people? Aku bukan nak mengungkit ke apa la kan. But kalau nak take aku for granted tu, cover-cover la sikit. I can see through you. I know, that's how people behave. But still. Aku tak boleh dah nak tolerate orang cam ni. But if that's how the world works, I'm out. I'm just gonna shut myself out from the world and let them be because I know, nothing I do, how much I whine about it, things gonna be the same. 

I tried to think positive. Ignore je la dorg tu. But let's be honest, where do they get the audacity to act like nothing's happened? I can ignore them if they can ignore me too but they did not! Call me, texted me macam la kita ni bestfriend. Uhhhh... I am sorry, who are you again?

A friend tak kan treat kawan dia macam ni, let alone bestfriend. You only need me when you need something, or someone to talk. Where in the hell are you when I need someone? Ooops.. forgot. I have grown used to it that I don't need anyone to tell whenever I am in need. I just called when I need someone to rant. The rest? It's in my plate. I can handle that much. 

Let me tell you something. What I am trying to do right now is growing up. Be tough. So that I can defend myself. So that I can protect those I love from some idiotic like you who think that they can trample over us. If I'm still sitting still and still naively led by you in your game, it won't make any differences. I'm still gonna get trampled on. I will do all I can to turn the table. Make it my game with you still thinking that the game is yours and you gonna win this. Because when you lose the game, you lose it hard. So, if you think you can take me for granted and make me your puppet, forget it. That ship sails long time ago.