It's suffocating

I'm starting to hate my own family. My dad's side with all those scandalous issues. My mom's side with all those political social protocols. Thinking back, wow! How fake I was. I literally has to bragged about me being the weirdos in the family to the stranger because literally no one in the family care about what I do. It doesn't matter if I murder someone or kill myself. Nobody actually care. I just realized why did I liked Abg Ash so much. Because he is, like, the most famous in the family. The public figure. The centre of attention. He was being asked at every gatherings. This reminds me of the fight I used to have with Kak Aida. Honestly, I don't really care at that time about the fight. I simply don't want to be at the gathering. I don't want to be the awkward one being surrounded by aunties who doesn't even care if I was there. Sorry, Kak Aida. For making you the black sheep. I was probably exhausted then. Exhausted from pretending that I'm okay not being noticed when the jealousy eat me up inside. I guess, I already hate them then. I just recently notice that hatred when those eyes staring at me and my half green hair. I remember hesitating to join the trip to the wedding. Abg Ash's wedding. I just not being honest about it and I thought I still like him when I don't actually care. And when I start talking about the news on how Ukraine-Russia began their war and how I found it out, I swear I felt like a dumbass trying to show that he know something when he don't. I just want to hide away in the car but I sit there like a dumbass, pretending that nothing happened. THAT'S how much I want the attention from my own family. But I never get it. So I guess that's the last family gathering I'll ever attend because I don't have any plan to attend anymore family gathering in future.

Penat

Now I remember why I give up talking to my family. Aku faham dah apa Sheldon Cooper rasa bila brcakap dgn org sekeliling dia. You give a good idea and it got rejected. But then they come back to you complaining. Bercakap pulak dgn egoist. Ntah la. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of this family. Whatever I do or say is so invaluable. I don't know why. It feels like primary school, secondary school, high school, diploma and degree all over again. People always put me on guilt trip every single time I say something. The reason to die always add up

1. Male harassing me so much I feel like burying myself somewhere nobody can find me because even after dead, I concerned that my dead body would be raped by those lustful devil

2. People dismissed my opinion so much that I thought it'd be better for them if I'm not here. Well, alive or dead seems like doesn't matter much. It doesn't make much difference. But, AT LEAST, if I'm dead, my parents would 1 less thing for them to worry about. I'd spend their money less too. They don't have to worry what people might do to me or if I'll be in danger. Like, I'm dead. What kind of other danger would come to a dead body? Even if there's natural disasters, I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm not gonna feel anything. 

3. I don't think any of my siblings ever proud of me. I literally had to go out of my way to joke around but honestly, it does feels like I'm trying to hard it start to annoy people. It's really hard to get close to them. So, as I said. Alive or dead does not really matter much

4. I can see that literally no one like me, like genuinely like me. With Anis, I'm just a tool to make her life easier. With Nuha, Aina and Pika, okay, well. We're friends. But somehow it feels like I'm missing something for me to be related to them. Like, they always have common things to talk among them while me sitting there clueless. With Diana, I envied her energy too much it became toxic. With Adeeb, I don't know. I do like him but he worried too much that make me hesitate to tell him things because then he'll ask me to be more and more careful and the robot-mind like me will listen and start suffocating myself. 

I can't tell things to people around me. I tried. But then, I'll be concern that my problem doesn't worth their time or I'd be blamed or I'll be more upset if they think that whatever I do is stupid and I shouldn't do it. I'm so tired of living with this brain. It never stop working and I never stop thinking. It's exhausting. and telling people how exhausted I am from thinking is like me trying to gain their attention when it's my option to think and telling myself to stop thinking never worked. Then, here I am again, trapping myself in the room and isolating myself from people because I don't want to be too much.

Aku warnakan rambut

Ibu terkejut bila aku kata aku dah warnakan rambut. Hijau. But not the whole hair. Ibu cakap aku terpengaruh kawan2. Am I such an embarrassment for ibu to admit that I do make that choice tanpa pengaruh sesiapa? Ibu malu ke nk admit depan org yg Aku ni tak sealim yg dia nak bila dia hantar aku pergi sekolah agama dulu. Seriously, anak mcm apa yg dia harap dr aku sebenarnya? Anak yg penurut tapi tak punya hidup atau anak yg bahagia dengan siapapun diri dia? Nah, I'll go with an embarrassment. None of my parents boleh terima aku jadi siapa aku sekarang. Not my dad, not my mom. Hey, but at least, ayah takde la directly make me feel that awkward. Although I do feel down bila ayah kata Aku cantik berbaju kurung. Gosh, how I miss being who I was without worrying people to expect so much from me.