Penat

Now I remember why I give up talking to my family. Aku faham dah apa Sheldon Cooper rasa bila brcakap dgn org sekeliling dia. You give a good idea and it got rejected. But then they come back to you complaining. Bercakap pulak dgn egoist. Ntah la. Sometimes, it feels like I'm not part of this family. Whatever I do or say is so invaluable. I don't know why. It feels like primary school, secondary school, high school, diploma and degree all over again. People always put me on guilt trip every single time I say something. The reason to die always add up

1. Male harassing me so much I feel like burying myself somewhere nobody can find me because even after dead, I concerned that my dead body would be raped by those lustful devil

2. People dismissed my opinion so much that I thought it'd be better for them if I'm not here. Well, alive or dead seems like doesn't matter much. It doesn't make much difference. But, AT LEAST, if I'm dead, my parents would 1 less thing for them to worry about. I'd spend their money less too. They don't have to worry what people might do to me or if I'll be in danger. Like, I'm dead. What kind of other danger would come to a dead body? Even if there's natural disasters, I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm not gonna feel anything. 

3. I don't think any of my siblings ever proud of me. I literally had to go out of my way to joke around but honestly, it does feels like I'm trying to hard it start to annoy people. It's really hard to get close to them. So, as I said. Alive or dead does not really matter much

4. I can see that literally no one like me, like genuinely like me. With Anis, I'm just a tool to make her life easier. With Nuha, Aina and Pika, okay, well. We're friends. But somehow it feels like I'm missing something for me to be related to them. Like, they always have common things to talk among them while me sitting there clueless. With Diana, I envied her energy too much it became toxic. With Adeeb, I don't know. I do like him but he worried too much that make me hesitate to tell him things because then he'll ask me to be more and more careful and the robot-mind like me will listen and start suffocating myself. 

I can't tell things to people around me. I tried. But then, I'll be concern that my problem doesn't worth their time or I'd be blamed or I'll be more upset if they think that whatever I do is stupid and I shouldn't do it. I'm so tired of living with this brain. It never stop working and I never stop thinking. It's exhausting. and telling people how exhausted I am from thinking is like me trying to gain their attention when it's my option to think and telling myself to stop thinking never worked. Then, here I am again, trapping myself in the room and isolating myself from people because I don't want to be too much.